Control
by CJSpooks
Summary: Goren daydreams a fantasy about the one who played him like a fiddle. Goren and Eames friendship.


Author's Notes: Oh yay, another Law & Order: CI fan fiction. Well, it's a songfic based on the Puddle of Mudd song "Control". I was listening to this song and this happened to spawn from it. (Note: Lyrics are in** bold** lettering, thoughts and dream sequences are in _Italics_, and everything else is normal.)

Summary: Songfic. Goren daydreams about the one who had played him like a fiddle. 

Rated PG-13 for language, slight sexual references and heavy mood.

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Control

By CJSpooks

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Part 1: Wandering mind 

Goren sat at his desk finishing up the last of his paperwork from his latest case. None of the actual detective work had been very challenging and the paperwork was just monotonous. He looked up to see his partner making notations on her own forms. The workload had seemed quite gigantic at first, but the two always had a certain system of getting it done, usually with little talk involved. 

But, at this very moment in time, Goren began to watch Eames in more fascination than anything else. He just admired every aspect of the character that made up the strong person of Alex Eames. It felt good for him to have her there close. It made his tortured soul feel somewhat lighter. She was his touchstone. Eames was there to keep him level and sane. Without her, he would've fallen into the deep recesses of the abyss a while ago. She was like the light that would set him free of his demons. After some time, Eames looked up at Goren and gave him one of her sweet and innocent smiles. He smiled back. It seemed that Eames had sensed Goren's thoughts trailing on her. 

Goren tried to concentrate again on his paperwork instead of his wandering thoughts. He really couldn't help it much…his thoughts sometimes betrayed him. His mind suddenly flashed to when he had first met Elizabeth Hitchens a.k.a. Nicole Wallace. At first, he had thought her most attractive and intelligent. He wouldn't admit to himself that he was developing a school boy crush on her. Though, it was true that he would admit to some dirty entries he had written in his journal and then ripped out and burned with a lighter about his fantasies starring her. There was just something about her that both intrigued and scared him. She knew how to manipulate people…by using their desires and weaknesses against them. She also knew about people's inner demons. She found out about Goren's by attacking all of his senses. Then she ripped his heart and soul out to be crushed in the palm of her hand. It had left him wounded deeply, causing him great distress and anger at himself. He just hated his mind and heart for getting so swept up in her sick game of cat and mouse. Now, he couldn't get her out of his head.

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Part 2: A horrible fantasy daydreamed by Goren (Control)

I like the way you look at me

__

Goren lay on his bed. Elizabeth was on top of him, fucking his brains out. He moaned and yelled, wanting her to stop…though it felt so good. His world was falling down around him but he didn't care. She was looking at him, smiling like the devil she was.

****

I feel the hate you place inside

__

He knew all of it was wrong, very wrong. He knew he was being raped in all sense of the word. He knew that Elizabeth was just fucking him in a cruel mix of love, hate, and pain. Her demons were being pushed away in the back of her mind while she assaulted Goren, physically, mentally and emotionally. 

****

You lock me up in your dirty cage

Well, I'm inside my mind

__

Goren had become some sort of whipping boy to Elizabeth's demons. She had made him submit all of his life to her…she had sucked him in. She did things to him that made her feel superior. 

****

I like to teach you all the rules

I get to see them set in stone

__

Elizabeth had somehow taken over in a gust of passion. She erased what Goren knew and loved. She then reeducated him in the ways of life. 

****

I like it when you chain me to the bed

But then your secrets never show

__

Elizabeth played with Goren. She chained him to the bed and raped the hell out of the man she loved and despised so much. Goren tried to fight and process what was being done to him but it didn't slow Elizabeth down a bit. Her hard life living with evil secrets was kept deep inside. Goren could not try to sort out her problems. She wouldn't let him into her mind.

****

I need to feel you

You need to feel me

__

Goren and Elizabeth were being controlled by demons. Elizabeth's demons made her do cruel acts of a violent or sexual nature. Goren's demons made him a sucker for sex. He was turned into a masochist. Elizabeth made him want and enjoy pain. 

****

I can't control you

You're not the one for me

No!

__

Goren knew that Elizabeth was darkness. He knew everything had gone way too far. He couldn't control anything anymore. He knew that it was not good for him. Elizabeth was not the one for him. He knew that he needed some light…what, actually who he needed was Alex. He wanted and needed Alex Eames to save him from Elizabeth. It was his only hope.

****

I need to feel you

So why's there even you and me?

__

Goren really wanted to break away…but he was too deep in it all to find himself among all the evil. He wanted out but Elizabeth had made them a twisted item.

****

I like the way you rake my skin

I feel the hate you place inside

__

Goren told Elizabeth about wanting out of their "relationship". She wouldn't listen to any of it. She raked his bare skin with her sharp nails during sex as punishment. She laughed at his screams of pain. He knew that she hated him now. Elizabeth knew that Goren wanted light and that he especially wanted Alex Eames to save him. 

****

I need to get your voice out of my head

Cause I'm the guy you'll never find

__

Goren decided to escape Elizabeth by running away to hide from her enormous wrath. She haunted him now…her voice was implanted and burned into his mind. She was becoming an ugly part of him. 

****

I think you know all of the rules

There are no expressions on your face

__

Goren had come to a realization about Elizabeth. She was a product of just bad circumstances. She did all that she did because of how her life had been lived. He was just a pawn in an unfair chess game. She didn't care about him anymore. 

****

I hope that someday you will let me go and release me from my dirty cage!

__

Goren's mind was still healing from Elizabeth's attack…though, it sometimes still felt like a prisoner of some kind. 

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Part 3: Are you all right?

Goren was staring intently into space for what seemed like hours. His daydream was taking up most of his time, energy, and mind power. Eames signed her last paper and put it on top of the medium sized pile. She sighed and looked up, half-expecting to see Goren reading, having finished some time before her. But, she was greeted by another scene; Goren was staring into space. He seemed very out of it, not having made a dent in his paperwork. Eames then noticed something very odd, a tear suddenly rolled down Goren's cheek. Eames gasped. She had never seen Goren cry before. She leaned over and snapped her fingers in front of his face. He blinked and looked at her confused. Eames looked at her partner, concerned. "Are you all right, Bobby? You look a little freaked out."

Goren shook his head and wiped his eyes. "I'm fine, Alex." He knew that he wasn't very convincing.

Eames saw right through the fog and said, "No, you're not. What's going on?"

Goren stood up and began gathering papers, stuffing them into his zipper binder. He started for the elevator. Eames yelled after him, "Bobby, where're you going?"

He stepped into the elevator and yelled back, "I need to sort some things out." 

Eames was not satisfied with that answer. She ran to Deakins's office to hand him the paperwork and to ask him permission to leave early. Deakins granted the request saying, "Sure. Just find out what the hell has got Goren so preoccupied." 

Eames nodded and grabbed her coat off the rack. She also noticed that Goren had left his behind. She grabbed that as well and walked to the elevator. Pressing the button, she couldn't figure out what had gone on with Goren. She wasn't a mind reader so she couldn't muster an answer to her own question. She knew that she needed to find Goren.

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Part 4: Confessing sins

Goren sat in the confessional and sighed. He hadn't done this since he was a boy. But, he knew that he needed guidance with his problems. 

The priest spoke, "What seems to be burdening you?"

Goren did the sign of the cross and replied, "Bless me father for I have sinned. It's been way too long since my last confession." 

The priest nodded and waited for Goren to continue. Goren took a deep breath and tried to find a good starting point. "Father, I…I'm plagued by my inner demons. My parents were not the ideal role models. My father cheated on my mother, who was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was and still am afraid that I may fall victim to it as well. I'm a police officer that works odd hours on cases that deal with much deception and death. I analyze criminal masterminds and get lost in my head sometimes. I'm not good at relationships…I just get caught up in work. I have too any quirks and issues. "

The priest replied, "Son, none of those things are sins. Except for your father's infidelity."

Goren cleared his throat; "I know that. I wasn't finished."

The priest nodded in understanding, "Please, go on."

Goren tried to figure out how to say it. "I'm a good person. I just had some really bad cards dealt to me. On one of my cases, I was investigating this woman…she captivated me in a way that it was disturbing. She found out very personal things and got under my skin. The problem was that I was attracted to her on many levels…mostly sexually. I wrote and thought up fantasies that were wrong to think of. I can't get her out of my head. I'm also in love with my partner from work. It's wrong because it's against fraternization rules…I'm afraid to let her know how much she means to me because I don't want to lose her. Father, I'm a horrible person."

The priest looked sympathetic, "My son, you are not a horrible person. It's all right. You will be forgiven. Say the 'Hail Mary' and 'Our Father', God will help you through this time in your life."

Goren smiled a little. He felt better. "Thank you."

Goren left the confessional. And walked towards the door. His eyes widened as he saw a familiar face. "Hi. You forgot your coat." -was all she said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part 5: Good and Perfect

Goren walked with Eames through Central Park. "Alex, How'd you know where I'd be?"

Eames shrugged, "I just…knew."

Goren looked at her and was totally amazed by the answer. _Sometimes she just surprises the hell out of me…I absolutely love that about her. _

Eames led Goren to a bench and they both sat down to take a load off. Eames looked at Goren a moment and asked, "What was wrong with you today? Did something happen?"

Goren nodded. "Yeah…I had a disturbing daydream."

"About what?"

Goren told Eames all about it. She listened intently, with her mouth slightly open. She wanted to reply several times, but decided against it. He wanted to get it all out, so she let him. After he was finished, he waited in the silence.

Eames cleared her throat, "You still think about her? In that way, I mean."

Goren nodded in shame. "Yes. She won't get out of my head."

Eames put hand on his shoulder. Goren felt better under her touch. It soothed him.

Goren smiled. "Eames…I need to tell you something important."

Eames took her hand off of his shoulder. "What is it?"

Goren looked down a moment and then looked up into her eyes. He touched her leg. "I wanted to tell you this before but I never got around to it." He took a deep breath. "No matter what I've thought about Elizabeth Hitchens/ Nicole Wallace, I've always loved you. I admire your strength and courage. Your smile lights up my heart. You are just the most amazing person I've ever met. I can't stand being away from you. You are the light in my darkness. You keep me sane and on the ground. You are my life, Alex. I just wanted you to know all that."

Eames smiled as tears came into her eyes. She pulled Goren into a hug. "I love you too, Bobby." Eames let go and then placed her head on his shoulder. Goren put his arm around Eames. The two then watched the world go by. Everything was good and perfect.

The End

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Please review and tell me what you think.

I hope you'll tell me that it doesn't stink.

This has been a story written by CJSpooks.

You don't know how long the writing process took.

Oh, I wish I were a nice fluffy cloud.

I can't because I'm just too damn loud.


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